IF CHRIST HAD BEEN CRUCIFIED BY THE...

French:
They'd  have  talked all big and mighty before the fact, started to drive
one nail, and surrendered.
 
Scottish:
Jesus wouldn't have been crucified.  They'd have strapped wool to him and
run him through a clan making a "baa" sound.
             -"If ye can survive that, yer the Messiah alright.
               A bit sore, but ne'ertheless..."
 
South Koreans:
They'd have called in a larger world power to do it for them.
 
United States of America:
There'd  have  been  an  at  least  five  year debate over it, Christgate
hearings,  countless  forums  and  talk shows, Congressional hearings, at
least  four  thousands  American troops sent in, and afterwards, a lot of
movie  deals  done about the "poor soldiers" who fought so valiantly, all
done by Oliver Stone.
 
United Nations:
See United States of America.
 
England:
After  the  crucifixion,  tabloids would say it was because Jesus had sex
with  Princess  Di.   Half  the  male population of England begins to get
nervous.
 
Japan:
They'd  have done it more efficiently, and told the Romans they were lazy
pigs.
 
Sesame Street:
The  Count  would  have  counted each nail, and Cookie Monster would have
sang, "C is for Crucifixion, That's Good Enough for Me."
 
Hanna Barbera:
It  still  would  have  been  badly animated, but with a crappy seventies
soundtrack  playing  in  the  back and a Roman soldier seeming to hit the
same nail over and over.
 
Mafia:
Jesus would have never gotten up the second time.  They'd have put cement
shoes on him and sent him to "sleep with Jonah and the big fish."
 


DIFFERENT TELLINGS OF THE CRUCIFIXION:
 
Conspiracy Theory:
While  riding  on  a  PR  trip through Jerusalem, Jesus was shot by Judas
Iscariot,  wielding  a nail gun and from the third floor of the Jerusalem
Book  Depository.   Some  say  he  acted alone, but others swear they saw
another disciple on the grassy gnoll.
 
With a Psychic's Hotline Spin:
"Just  think-  if  Jesus had talked to us, we could have warned him about
the betrayal of Judas, and given him his lucky lottery numbers.  Call us-
your life may depend upon it."
 
The Dungeons & Dragons(tm) Telling:
He  critically  failed  his  public  speaking roll, and failed his saving
throws versus angry Italians and versus Nails.
 
The Talk Show:
"Tonight, we've got Jews Who've Been Nailed to Trees and Resurrected, but
*still* Don't Know How to Love Their Women Right!"
 
Freudian View:
The  penetration  of  three  nails  is  a  desperate cry to let loose his
sexuality.   The nail in each arm represents his great desire to dominate
a  partner  but  being  confined  by  his duties as Messiah, and the nail
holding  back  his  feet represent his secrecy about his foot fetish (see
also the washing of the feet at the last supper).  With his cry, "Father,
why  hast thou forsaken me?", Jesus is commenting on how he wished Joseph
had   been   more  endearing  and  open  with  his  fatherly  love.   The
resurrection is a folic symbol.
 
Richard Simmonds:
"C'mon  all  you  fatties.   Do  you  feel  out of shape, spiritaully and
physically?   Then  order  my  new  tape, `Crucifying to the Oldies.' And
don't  forget  volume  2,  `Resurrecting to the Oldies,' with my favorite
exercise, the Stone Roll."
 
KIDS' CORNER
In  recent  years,  there  have been many MANY attempts to make the Bible
more  appealing  to  children, including Holyland Action Figures, a Moses
and  Noah  Nintendo  game,  Hana Barbera animated series, and even a very
VERY  horrible card game like Magic the Gathering (which, by the way, has
come  under  much  attack  from Christians).  But in our opinion, they're
doing it all wrong.  Here's what we'd do....
 
 Jesus stood from where he'd been praying in the garden all
 night. Judas Iscariot, one of his trusted disciples ran to him
 and kissed him on the cheek, but something seemed wrong.

 "Judas," the Messiah asked, "do you betray me with a kiss?" As
 if on cue, Roman soldiers filled the garden, armed and ready to
 take Jesus down. Suddenly, eleven men jumped from the hedges.
 "All right," Christ called. "It's Morphin' Time!" All twelve men
 leaped to the sky, and land wearing multi-colored suits and
 holding plastic swords. Peter Ranger raised his hand valiantly.
 "Now you're in for it, buddy!  No one messes with the Messiah
 Morphin' Power Rangers and lives to tell about it." Up in the
 skies, Rita looked down and laughed.  "Oh, so Jesus wants to
 play, eh?" She turned to her hoard of monsters. "Quick, send out
 my newest creation." The Messiah Rangers looked up. "What is
 that thing?" Matthew Ranger asked. "I don't know, but I doubt we
 can beat it," Thomas Ranger said. "It's - it's Nietzche!" Jesus
 Ranger cried. "And he's armed with the Spear of Logic."  He
 thought for a second as the one chord guitar played in the
 background. "This calls for drastic measures. I summon the power
 of the Messiah Sword"....
 
 You can guess the rest.
 
END
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